5/29/10

You never know what life is going to throw at you, so it's a good thing that your don is here to provide some advice... just in case.  There may come a day when you start work on a Saturday morning.  You might angle through the Indiana countryside until you've cleared Indianapolis, then drop down and catch up with the freeway.  Perhaps you'll enjoy the beautiful weather and the light holiday weekend traffic all the way through Indiana and Ohio.  You'll have no trouble handling any of that.

At some point though, you may think that Saturday on a summer holiday weekend is supposed to be a day for cooking out and relaxing.  You'll be correct.  So here's what you need to do:

First, procure the ingredients.  You should already have paper plates, a folding camp chair, some grilling tools, and a small portable cooler.  If you don't have these things, then you'll need to acquire them as part of the next step.  Now, head to the nearest Wal Mart.  If you happen to encounter one that is openly hostile toward people in your line of work (like the one in Washington Court House, Ohio), just continue until you find a more receptive location (like the one in Chillicothe, Ohio).  Head into the Wal Mart and buy the following:

1 - bag of kaiser rolls
1 - pack of 1/3 pound hamburger patties
1 - disposable charcoal grill with charcoal
1 - small bag of match light charcoal (optional)
1 - package of cheese (choose any flavor you like)
1 - 18 pack of water (or other beverage of your choice)
1 - cheap styrofoam cooler
1 - bag of ice

Once you've brought these things out to your vehicle, fill the styrofoam cooler with your water (or other beverage of your choice).  Top it off with ice.  Place the hamburger patties and cheese into your small portable cooler.  Top it off with ice.  Place everything into your vehicle. Now proceed to your chosen cookout location, such as the truck stop with the big parking lot in Jackson, Ohio.

Set up the disposable grill.  It comes with its own little bag of match light charcoal.  Crush a paper plate.  Then straighten out the paper plate and place it in the center of the grill.  Place the bag of charcoal on top of the plate.  The legs on the grill are designed to stand vertically and support the cooking grate, but the whole system basically sucks ass.  What you'll need to do is angle the legs in a manner that allows them to provide some stability to the base of the grill while still keeping the grate above the coals.  It won't look like the picture on the packaging, but stability is your main objective.  This part will take some trial and error, so do it first.

Once you have the grill in a stable position and the grate firmly supported, you may want to add some of the (optional) match light charcoal from the additional bag.  These additional coals should be equally distributed around the edges of the grill.  For a hot dog or two, the coals that come with the grill will suffice.  For more substantial pieces of meat, you'll want enough coals to cover the entire bottom of the grill, approximately two briquettes deep.

Now that your grill is set up, light either the plate under the original bag of charcoal (if no additional coals were added), or otherwise light the coals that you've placed around the edges.  They will in turn light whatever is in the center of the grill.  The bag that comes with the grill will not burn as readily as its manufacturer would have you believe.  The paper plate underneath will help to carry some flames to different areas of the bag.  The wrinkles and ridges that you've created by crushing the plate will provide pathways for oxygen to travel under the entire arrangement.

Sit back and enjoy your first few bottles of water (or other beverage of your choice).  Once the flames have burned out, stir the coals with any handy metal object and try to distribute them as evenly as possible across the bottom of the grill.  Be careful not to disrupt your grill's stability as you do this.  Now enjoy your next couple of bottles of water (or other beverage of your choice).  When the coals appear more gray than black, you're ready to start cooking.  Just to make sure that you've achieved even burning, hold your hand a few inches above the grate.  You shouldn't be able to keep it there for more than a few seconds.  Move your hand to different parts of the grate and repeat this step.

Provided that your coals are ready, place your hamburger patties on the grill.  A grill of this size can cook anywhere from two to four patties at a given time.  After a minute or so, flip the patties.  This initial cooking stage is merely intended to sear one side of the patties and hold in their moisture.  Now that you've flipped the patties,  let them cook for a while.  At this stage you are encouraged to enjoy a few more bottles of water (or other beverage of your choice).  Once the edges of the patties appear to be thoroughly browned from top to bottom, flip them again and let them cook for a while longer.  At this stage you should drink... oh hell, you know.

Once your hamburger patties are nearly finished, cut your kaiser rolls in half.  If you so choose and your grill has enough room available, place the rolls on the grate (cut side down).  The rolls will be lightly toasted after only a minute or two.  Keep a close eye on them instead of enjoying more of your chosen beverage.

Once the rolls are lightly toasted, remove them from the grill. Place a slice of cheese on each burger patty. As soon as the corners of the cheese have begun to wilt, remove the patties from the grill. Most amateurs will tend to cook the cheese too long. By cooking the cheese until it appears melted, you'll destroy its texture and weaken its flavor. Once the corners have begun to wilt, the texture of the cheese is at its premium level. Trust me on this one. It used to be my vocation.

Now put the patties on the kaiser rolls and enjoy.

If you're lucky, you'll finish two fantastic cheeseburgers and several bottles of water (or other beverage of your choice) just as the sun begins to retreat behind the horizon. Enjoy the view. Then, if your hometown baseball team happens to be getting whipped at the time, you can crank up your XM Radio to a level that can be heard outside your vehicle and work on the remaining bottles of water (or other beverage of your choice).

Addendum: If you've bought a sufficient quantity of burgers and buns, as well as the optional bag of match light charcoal, you'll be all set for an early lunch cookout before hitting the road on Sunday. For various reasons, you may want to go ahead and finish the water (or other beverage of your choice) on Saturday. Depending on what sort of beverage you've chosen, it may or may not be a suitable accompaniment for your Sunday lunch. Once your early lunch is over, you can dump any remaining ice or water from your coolers onto the coals, rendering them fit for disposal.

And that, my friends, is what you should do when you can't make it to a holiday cookout. Bring the holiday cookout to you.

As for me, I'm pretty sure I'm less than 400 miles from my final destination at this point. I have two days of driving to get there, so... yeah. Pretty easy schedule ahead. My pay week wraps up with a healthy 2,810 miles plus over $40 in northeast pay. Over $1,100 with pleny of relaxation time - life could be worse. Life could be a whole lot worse.