Things I Get a Kick Out Of - Volume Four

Volume Four - Ambushing the UPS Guy

Nah, he doesn't look like that.  He's actually kinda tubby for a dude that hops in and out of a truck all day.  He has a scruffy blond beard and beady little eyes.  Sort of like a young Santa Claus before all his hair turns white or whatever.  I just happen to like that chair in the background of this picture.  (Admit it - you didn't notice the chair.)

Anyhow, on to the topic of the UPS guy.  I don't get a ton of packages delivered, but I do receive my fair share.  Recently I had to buy a new bluetooth headset to use while I'm working.  New rules coming down from the feds.  Who'dathunkit?  What's funny to me is that the truck drivers of the country are far more qualified to hold a phone and still drive, given that they get a lot of practice.  Now they're facing a ban but the rest of you jagoffs out there can still yap away on your phones and cause accidents as much as you like.  If handheld phones are a safety risk, then ban them in all vehicles.  Morons.

So anyhow, my old bluetooth headset fell in the toilet one night.  It wasn't securely fastened to my ear and it started to slip as I was brushing my teeth.  When I reached up to stop it from falling off my ear, I knocked it right off my ear.  Nice big bathroom... plenty of safe landing areas available... right into the toilet.  By the time I got it out, the thing was toasted.  I meant to buy another one at the time but just never got around to it.  Until this week.

My UPS guy is an odd fella.  On the occasions when I've been home to receive a delivery, I've noticed that he rings the doorbell once and then runs like a bat out of hell.  His truck is usually already around the corner from my condo by the time I hit the front door.  The FedEx guy waits for me to answer the door.  The mailman waits for me to answer the door.  The UPS guy just rings and goes.

I received an e-mail yesterday indicating that my new headset would be delivered today, via UPS.  Game on, mofos.  From my living room upstairs, I can see parts of the road that encircles my condo complex.  Basically there is a ring of buildings surrounding a pond, then a road surrounding the ring of buildings.  Between the buildings, in a few spots, I can see cars passing by if I happen to look at the right time.  I know, from receiving previous packages and from reviewing the tracking notices for other packages that were delivered in my absence, that the UPS guy usually shows up between 1pm and 2pm.

I went upstairs at 1pm and began my stakeout.  Fortunately for me, the dude arrived shortly thereafter.  I'm not sure that I would have had the patience to wait all the way until 2pm.  I spotted the brown truck coming around the north side of the road.  I headed downstairs.  I awaited the doorbell.  No doorbell.  Apparently I wasn't the only one getting a package delivered today.  Go figure.

Then the moment came.  I heard the truck's brakes squeal.  I looked out the peephole in my front door.  I saw the UPS guy walk up the stairs to my door.  I saw him set down the box before ringing the bell, just the way he plans his quick escape.  Why bother holding onto the box when he has no intention of handing me the box, right?  I saw him reach to his left and press the button.  As soon as the bell rang, I swung the door open and scared the shit out of that little bastard.  He was in the process of turning to run back to his truck.  When he heard the door open, he started to turn back and look.  But his momentum was already taking him toward the steps.  In a moment of awkward confusion, the dude almost took a tumble.  He stayed upright though.  And he looked silly.  I laughed at him and grabbed my package.

Ambush - successful.